By Ryan Slawson
1 April 2024
In a dystopian hellscape, where technological overlords reign supreme and dark alleyways shelter grime-smeared pedestrians from homicidal Teslas, a peculiar trend has emerged among gamers: the passionate embrace of slice-of-life tabletop roleplaying games (RPGs). Forget battling flesh-rending hordes of infected or dodging bullets from militarized loss-prevention agents; these intrepid adventurers are more interested in mundane tasks like paying a mortgage, affording the grocery shopping for a week's worth of groceries, and attending PTA meetings in which the decisions are not how to convert the school library into a concentration camp for non-conformant children. Why, you ask? Because they crave the sweet, sweet escapism of domestic bliss.
The Great Escape
Picture this: A dimly lit basement, the air thick with the scent of pizza rolls and Mountain Dew; just the scent though. The smell is coming from a scented candle bought with the entire entertainment budget from last month's paycheck, there's no actual pizza rolls or Mountain Dew, name brands are too expensive. Around the table sit our intrepid heroes, clad in their finest dumpster-dived flannel shirts and glasses they got twelve years ago when they were still on their parents insurance. Their character sheets boast stats like “Credit Score” and “Emotional Intelligence.” Behold! Houses and Hedge-Trimmers: the slice-of-life RPG!
Why venture into a bleak future that is impossible to differentiate from real life when you can immerse yourself in the fantasy of home ownership? These gamers revel in what was once mundane: rolling dice to determine the success of their mortgage payments, negotiating with imaginary real estate agents, and arguing over property tax rates. Forget saving the world, that's a wacky delusion and a childish fantasy; they’re too busy refinancing their 30-year fixed-rate mortgages.
The One-Income Dream
But what drives these gamers to forsake laser guns and cybernetic implants for white picket fences and minivans? It’s simple: the escapist fantasy of raising a family and retiring comfortably on a single income. In a dystopian future like Cyberpunk and Shadowrun; everyone is hustling just to survive while the megacorporations try to squeeze every credit they can out of the lives of the faceless drones of humanity, but that's no different than real life! But in Houses and Hedge-Trimmers, they can live the dream—where one partner works a stable job while the other bakes artisanal sourdough bread and tends to the herb garden. Now, that's exciting!
Meet our heroes:
- Bartholomew “Bart” McFluffington: A mild-mannered accountant who dreams of owning a three-bedroom colonial with a picket fence. His special ability? “Coupon Clipping.”
- Gwendolyn “Gwen” Starblossom: An aspiring novelist who moonlights as a barista. She’s saving up for a down payment on a cozy cottage and keeping Mr. Snookums in his favorite wet cat food.
- Fred "Ryan" Slawson (that’s me!): A former soldier who traded his assault rifle for a small business. His quest? Balancing the budget while slaying metaphorical dragons of tax forms and inventory counts.
The Ultimate Quest: Movie Night
In Houses and Hedge-Trimmers, the true adventure lies in the lack of constant manufactured social turmoil and systemic corporate malfeasance. Will Bart and Gwen argue over whose turn it is to do the laundry? Can Ryan convince his customers that “Dungeons & Dragons” is more or less "Stardew Valley" for tabletop? And let’s not forget the epic quest for the lost TV remote—a relic said to unlock the secrets of a single, reasonably-priced, commercial-free streaming service that contains all of the cultural canon that everyone knows and loves.
So, fellow gamers, raise your dice cups high! Let’s celebrate the mundane, the domestic, and the delightfully dull: For in Houses and Hedge-Trimmers, the greatest treasure isn’t hidden in a corporate vault—it’s right there, in a nice ranch-style two bedroom you inherited from your parents.